Going Through the Motions

I am by nature a list maker. I've started making a list of all the things we want to do with Henry when he's born - pictures, foot prints, hand prints, keep sakes. I also make a list of all the things I will never get to do with my son. I don't write this list down, because it hurts too much. But I keep a mental list - too long to fathom.

I am trying to take things slowly. It's only been 12 days. I painted Henry's room four days after finding out. It is important to me that I make a place for him in this world, no matter how brief his time may be. I try not to get tied up in whether or not Henry is born alive. He is our son all the same. We will paint his dresser, paint a border on the walls and put up the curtains. We will buy him cothes and toys. His great grandmother will make him a blanket. Because he is our son.

And then there is the list of things we have to do that should never be. The task of planning our son's funeral before he is even born. To help cope with the enormity of planning my sons entire life and death in 4 months, I've made a schedule. We need to spread things out, to pace ourselves. There are things that are okay to do now, and things that we need time to come to terms with. For now, we are going through the motions. And waiting for the next time we get to see Henry.